The General's Temperature - The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
The Real Cinderella Story - The story takes off where Cinderella just got yelled at by her step-mother, then her fairy godmother comes to her aid. The fairy godmother says, "I can make you a new dress and give you everything you need to go to the ball... on two conditions!" "Anything, " says Cinderella, "anything!" "Okay the first condition is you have to wear a diaphram. The second condition is you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin," says the fairy godmother. So Cinderella goes to the ball and the fairy godmother just waits and waits and then it gets to be 2:00AM, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and Cinderella's still not back. Then Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished as to Cinderella's appearence... no pumpkin! The godmother asks Cinderella who she was with for she had no idea of a man with such power. Then Cinderella replies, "Peter, Peter something or other?"
Ebonics Version of Windows '98 - Ebonics Version of Windows '98 Debuts! Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled "It be a fresh Window." It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users. There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version. When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a "phat getto track that melts 'em down wit dope-ass bass," The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall - along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs. On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit." The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster. If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With "Da Hood." Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: "Marquee," a lil' G spray- painting dirty words that move across the screen; or "Flying Bullets," a '64 Olds' loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by. Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialogue box changes: 1. Break Back In = Re-entry 2. Aww Shit = Error 3. U Betta Recognize = Delete 4. Itz All Good = OK 5. 4 Real Doe =Yes 6. Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel 7. Do Dat Shit Again = Reset 8. R U Crazy = Are You Sure 9. Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find 10. Put A Cap In It = Delete 11. Games & Shit = Programs 12. Letter Shit = Documents The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled "Homie Essentials." The word processing program greatly differs from the main-stream program. Several words on the title bar have been changed: 1. Dat Thang = File 2. I Be Seein' It = View 3. Put Sumpin In = Insert 4. Hook It Up = Format 5. Stuff I Ain't gone Need =Tools 6. Number Shit = Table 7. Break In = Window 8. What Da F*C@*K@? = Help Note: "Stuff I ain't gone need" (Tools) does not include spelling or grammar check options, and Auto Correct has been replaced with "Keepin' it Real."
Charlie left town - In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago". "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
Mice in a lightbulb? - Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two...but I don't know how they'd get in there!
Halloween Funnies! - Halloween Funnies: What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite. What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside. Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job. Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them. Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in 2000. What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY. Why aren't there any famous skeletons? They're a bunch of no bodies. What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap. What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.
You know you're in the wrong church when... - TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BAD CHURCH 10. The church bus has gun racks. 9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor. 8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version." 7. There's an ATM in the lobby. 6. Choir wears leather robes. 5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake." 4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum. 3. Karaoke Worship Time. 2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?" 1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."
Picking on Chelsea Clinton - One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was very furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
In the bar - A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandably silent. He, then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man. "You got a problem, buddy?" No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!"