Brytyjskie żarty, dowcipy... i poczucie humoru

Tysiące żartów i dowcipów w języku angielskim - dla każdego coś śmiesznego


Shiny New Motorcycle - An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a functional bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said: "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly: "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Let me through! - A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Looking forward to old age - There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages. One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old. The 60 yo, started complaining. He said "I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night." The 70 year old then said, "I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night. The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, "I don't have any of those problems!" "At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit. "My only problem is that...I don't wake up until noon!"

Blinker - Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Miget with a lisp! - This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I'm sending him over." The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

No Arms Nor Legs - Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!"

Two kids meet - A new neigbour arrives. The kids meet. The local kid: "My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?" The other kid answers, "Alaska". The first one replies: "Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!"

Buying a Barbie Doll - A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken. She replies, "Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken."

Restroom wall graffiti! - You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area... The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. * Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill. If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington! * Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash. Beauty is only a light switch away. * Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C. If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. * Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C. Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" * Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? * The Irish Times, Washington, D.C. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. * The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. * Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. * Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz. A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. * Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex. Watch out for gay limbo dancers. * Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room? Express Lane: Five beers or less. * Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz. You're too good for him. * Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA No wonder you always go home alone. * Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,Beverly Hills, CA What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. * Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY