Wooden Leg - Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"
Good boys - Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day. She told him - "Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they're 18." Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!
Brrr Its Cold - An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks, "Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?" "Worse," says the doctor. "It's frostbite!"
Golf Shorts-4 - 1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them? A. Just in case they get a hole in one. 2. Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!" Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir!" 3. Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!" Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!" 4. Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf."
Light bulb - How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? a: What's a light bulb?
Slammin 'em down! - A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife!"
Bathroom Joke - Q. If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom? A. European.
Lonely Cow in Field - Q: What do you call a cow in the middle of a field spanking his monkey? A: Beef Stroganoff
The Astronaut Joke - What did the astronaut see in his skillet pan? An Unidentified Frying Object!