Brytyjskie żarty, dowcipy... i poczucie humoru

Tysiące żartów i dowcipów w języku angielskim - dla każdego coś śmiesznego


How Much For the Room? - Bridegroom: How much for the room? Hotel Clerk: Twenty dollars apiece. Bridegroom: Okay. Here's $140.

The dead redneck! - A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for. Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said, Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him." So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over." So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde." Frustrated, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Zeke answered, "Well, Clyde had two assholes." "What!?" The disbelieving mortician asked, "He had TWO assholes?" "Yup, that's right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes. Ever time we went to town, folks would say... 'Here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes!'

Tennis Ball - While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

The Aligator Blonde! - A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, - "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"

Genie bottle - A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle. He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars. "Wow, my first two wishes have come true!" he yells. He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys. First, they beat the him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal the two Genies! The first Genie turns to the second and says, "You know, I can understand his first two wishes but why would he want to be hung like a black man?"

Cinderella and Tampon - Cinderella REALLY wanted to go to Prince Charming's ball, but as you know the evil stepsisiers and stepmother will not let her. So they leave her all alone on the big night, cleaning the place. "Oh, how I wish I could go!" Cinderella sighed. No sooner had she said this than her Fairy Godmother appeared, holding a long, beautiful white dress. "Here, god-child," the fairy said, "try this on." So Cinderella puts the thing on, and it fits perfectly, except she notices some red drops on the white fabric. "Dammit" Cinderella said" of all the lousy nights to get my period!" So the God mother presents her with a magic Tampon to solve the problem, but the tampon has a warning on it: "Please return to the house by midnight or the tampon will be turned into a pumpkin." Cinderella puts it in her and goes to the Ball. Meanwhile, the Fairy Godmother awaits Cinderella's return. 10 o'clock --11 o'clock --12 o'clock--1 o'clock Finally, at around 3 in the morning, a very out of breath Cinderella stumbles in "My God! What happened to you? What about the tampon? What about the prince?" "Forget the prince" Cinderella sighed." At around one o'clock I met the most amazing guy...Peter Peter something..."

Some Whimsical Sayings - Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Every morning is the dawn of a new error... A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... The beatings will continue until morale improves. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Dain bramaged. Department of Redundancy Department What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key 2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN <-------- The information went data way --------> Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding The name is Baud......, James Baud. Access denied--nah nah na na

Pickles - Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

12 Things NOT to Say if Pulled Over - 12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen? 11. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! 10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket? 9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog. 8. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph. 7. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece. 6. Want to race to the station, Sparky? 5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men! 4. On the way to the station let's get a six pack. 3. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo! 2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! 1. No, YOU assume the position.