Brytyjskie żarty, dowcipy... i poczucie humoru

Tysiące żartów i dowcipów w języku angielskim - dla każdego coś śmiesznego


Goes Without Saying - Goes Without Saying: One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. To be intoxicated is to feel 'sophisticated' but not be able to say it. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers. The older you get, the better you realize you used to be. I doubt, therefore I might be. Age is the price we pay for maturity. Experience is the price we pay for immaturity. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I'm not fishing! - A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..." Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

Gay Basher - Q: What's the difference between a faggot and a queer? A: A faggot won't go downtown with you to beat up queers!

Very Offensive Space Shuttle Jokes - Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words to her husband? A: "You feed the kids - I'll feed the fish." Q: What does NASA stand for? A1: Need Another Seven Astronauts A2: Need Another Shuttle Also Q: Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger? A: They didn't know it was going to blow up. Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink? A: Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP. Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be a naval officer? A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they'll have a rated officer onboard. Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagen? A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.

Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Pe... - Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis: 10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off. 9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy." 6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis." 1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

Dying Wives! - "I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

The Difference Is - What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist? A hematologist pricks your finger.

Office X-mas Party! - December 1st TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Bitch from Hell! December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

Lesbian Hit Parade - 1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet. 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke. 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge. 4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. 5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads. 6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders. 7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss. 8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung. 9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint. 10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI. 11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month. 12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake. 13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls. 14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. 15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes. 16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. 17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. 18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!